The letter is written on cheap stationary in blue ballpoint pen in a firm, sloppy hand.
Hey, Pilgrims!
I hope you guys can help us here at Houkala Temple National Park, 'cause with old Houkala acting off his nut of late, the tourists are staying away in droves, and it's getting kind of hard to make ends meet.
Now usually, Houkala ain't a bad guy -- oh, he was kind of wild when he was a kid, but hey, who wasn't? Besides, that was five hundred years ago, and aside from some long-haired history profs, nobody much remembers that stuff. But as I was saying, Houkala is normally a pretty stand up guy for an authentic Volcano God. He normally just hangs out in his big temple up in the caldera, with bunches of priests in these crazy robes and priestesses in these real skimpy silk things. And sometimes he even comes down from his throne and talks to the tourists. Normally this is great for business, 'cause who doesn't want to be able to say they shook the hand of a real volcano god?
But the thing you got to remember is, no matter how much he's like a regular guy, old Houk's still a volcano god, and he could just snap his fingers and bury three counties in ash and lava. He's done this before, too, just not for hundreds of years. So usually, the priests and priestesses usually keep a sharp eye on who they let into the divine presence, so Houkala doesn't get too annoyed. But those guys are only human, and when faced with a bunch of famous movie stars who wanted to talk to a real, live volcano god, they had a bit of trouble saying no, even though the movie guys were all drunker than skunks. (It didn't hurt the way they were waving large wads of cash around, either.)
One thing that isn't well known about Houk, is that while he loves to drink, he can't handle hard liquor worth a darn. These movie guys had Houk higher than a kite faster than you could say "cataclysmic eruption". Soon, he (Houkala) was talking about "the good old days", which weren't very good for most people if you catch my drift. And those movie guys were just egging him on! It wasn't long before Houk was going on about no one made human sacrifices to him anymore. Well, thinking it was all a big joke, those movie guys told him that he ought to go on strike until someone made a human sacrificed to him. Then they all piled into their cabs, and left.
Well, next morning Houkala had a hangover that would kill a rhino. But he still remembered that he wanted a human sacrifice. And now he's just sitting in his temple threatening to blast anyone who sets foot inside unless they bring him his sacrifice and business has gone completely down the tubes.
So, do you think you could send us some pilgrims to talk Houk out of this dumb idea? He's really not a bad guy at heart, just not to swift in the brains department if you get my drift. I'll leave this letter under a pile of rocks at Scenic Outlook #3 -- that always works.